The Unseen Hours!

I don’t remember how many hours I’ve spent reading throughout my entire life. However, thanks to the Audible application, I know I’ve listened to nearly 2000 hours of audiobooks within the past seven years. 

I’m unsure of the number of hours or days I’ve spent meditating. But, thanks to Insight Timer, I’ve discovered that I’ve meditated almost daily from January 2021 to today, totaling over 669 hours.

I also don’t know how many hours I’ve spent writing. I’m certain it would amount to thousands of hours throughout my life, as I started writing stories when I was 13 years old. However, my first attempt at writing short pieces was around the age of 10. I began submitting my writings to print media after I finished high school. Only one piece was selected and published in December 1990 in a local prestigious magazine.

My life changed, and I couldn’t write or submit anywhere, leading to a gap. The second piece was published in our medical school’s magazine. I still remember the time when I thought I wouldn’t submit anything to the school magazine when they announced a call for writing submissions from students. Inside, my blood was boiling. I wanted to submit, but it was a dream I tried to forget. When the deadline passed, I let my guard down. Then, they announced an extension of the deadline.

During a break, I sat in the last row of the classroom and jotted down thoughts on a sheet of paper I removed from my notebook. It was an impulsive decision. I wrote it down within a few minutes, and it was short. I checked it, copied it onto other sheets to have a clean copy, and selected a pen name because I didn’t want my friends and classmates to know I wrote it. The name “Tune” came to mind, and I decided to use it, creating a Myanmar version of it as “ကျွန်း”. I submitted my writing immediately afterward because I was afraid I would change my mind.

I didn’t think it was good enough to be published in our school’s magazine, especially since I heard it had rejected writings from even already famous published author students. It took more than a year, and I forgot about it until the magazine was published, and someone mentioned my writing was there. I still remember the mixed emotions I had at that time. I thought that part of me was over, but a glimmer of hope was coming back.

I resumed my writing after finishing medical school and diligently submitted to print media where I truly wanted to be published. Now, looking back, I find I have around 300 published writing pieces, which I never thought possible in my life.

These days, I write because I realize I feel something is missing in my life whenever I try to stop writing. I’m writing not for publishing in any media except this blog, and it’s too obvious that it’s not for fame, success, or money. In the past, I found I couldn’t continue my writing if someone pushed me to think about success, fame, and money. I realize I really hate writing for these things, even though sometimes, I pretended I wanted these for someone else’s happiness.

I’m asking myself why I keep on writing today, and I’m still not sure. Maybe I want to express myself. Maybe it’s become a habit after years of writing, and I’m addicted to it. Maybe it’s just a hobby. Maybe I’m under a certain type of spell or curse. Maybe it’s just a part of me I can’t remove. However, one thing I’m sure about is that I’m a lot happier when I’m writing. Maybe this is a good reason for me to keep on writing. 

Just some of my thoughts and some past memories came to my mind today.

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Thoughts on Recovery and Equality!

Today, I started my day by editing my new blog page, where I am beginning to post my published writing. I want to separate them from my current blog and am reusing an old platform I created a long time ago. This was when I changed my blog link and was worried someone would take that link and impersonate me, so I created a blog with the old address. I was worried due to a previous experience.

I checked the note in which I recorded my health progress and found that the first day I noticed my fatigue had totally disappeared was just a little over two months ago, on March 5, 2024. Recovering from COVID -19 was a very long journey, but I think it is worth striving for. Many people are no longer alive, and this thought fills me with gratitude.

July 27, 2021, was the first day I had COVID. I could hardly do anything for the whole month of August 2021. I rehabilitated myself by walking 500 steps per day, and I need to remember this whenever I get frustrated with myself and my energy level. Now, I can run, I can walk for more than an hour if I really need to, and I can swim with little breaks for about 45 minutes.

I need to notice it, treasure it, and improve from it. The second time I had COVID was around the beginning of October 2022, but it was not as bad as the first time. Nevertheless, it affected my health and my energy level. I need to treasure the moment of overcoming these problems. I should remember and learn from that.

I checked my blog post from yesterday and found I spelled the name of the actress Halle Berry wrong. How could that be? It is a glaring mistake, but well, I did that. If I send my writing pieces to media, I put them away for at least 24 hours and then check back and correct mistakes before submission.

For the blog site, it was instant publishing, I usually do not take time to publish and that’s what happened. Sometimes, we cannot see our own mistakes immediately even if they are too obvious.

Today, I am thinking about my own personal biases. My yardsticks of trustworthy people are based on gender-based violence and tobacco smoke. Secondhand tobacco smoke can kill people and if someone who is not ignorant of that and does not control their desire to smoke around other people, they are not trustworthy. I don’t think these people can really sacrifice anything for anyone no matter what they are boasting and saying in public. They are not even doing something within their locus of control and how can we expect them to do something outside their control.

Similarly, you should not do human rights-related work if you have sexually harassed your co-workers. You are nothing but a phony. Especially, when you are well-aware of all these rights issues and doing them anyway, you are more than a moron.

Since a long time ago, I noticed some people are interested in gender equality only because money and jobs are there. In addition to that, they have learned how to navigate the issues and do whatever they want to do by understanding these issues well. I was involved in funding a perpetrator once upon a time and therefore, this came from firsthand experience.

No training and no behavior change tools can change the real inner motives of people. Only penalties and punishments can. It is not that they do not know and it is time to wake up from an unrealistic dream that good training can change those people. It is nothing but a waste of time and resources.

I was involved in drafting the Prevention of Violence Against Women Law, which is also known as the PoVAW Law, to a certain extent and I understand the process partially. I also know why it is not moving forward. Now it is in a more hopeless situation than before.

Anyway, if there is a will, there will be a way and one day things will change. I may not be on earth at that time but I am sure, things will definitely change.

These are my thoughts this morning.

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Thrilling News of Menopause Bill!

Today, I accidentally saw a video of actress Halle Berry’s speech on the ‘Menopause Bill’. 

I was always annoyed by people’s stigmatization or ignorance of the reality of the menopause situation faced by women, but I never thought it would come in the form of a bill. Well, now I know. 

I feel good even though it will not have any impact on me. I am thinking, this is public health, this is equity. At least some people are really taking action. 

We are all blinded by cultural teachings, myths, and beliefs. We still discriminate against each other in many different ways. Our blind spots are huge. 

I have spoken up for other people many times before and even took certain risks, but when the time came, I actually needed help so much, I found I had almost none. I learned a lot from that period, and it was a total eye-opener. 

Later, I think I lost enthusiasm for advocating for the issues I cared about before.

However, I found that deep down, I still care about certain issues and that kind of news and speech still thrills me.

Just a memory of my feelings today!

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Mindfulness and Advocacy!

Today, I started my day with cleaning and cooking instead of writing. The sun had already risen very high when I looked up at it around 6:30 am. I did not go out and completely stopped my physical exercises and therefore, I am recovering from the symptoms of heat exhaustion. I plan to swim today and gradually restart some of my activities next week.

This report on gender-based violence faced by women journalists is really bothering me, and I am asking myself why. This morning, I got the answer; it is because it is just the “tip of an iceberg.” They are trained to speak out and they have knowledge on these issues, but certain situations made them vulnerable.

As a non-profit worker, writer, scholar, a former gender trainer, and a gender equality advocate, I am aware of all these problems and I was also trained to speak out. Nevertheless, I have gone through situations where I could not even protect myself well. Therefore, can you imagine how the more vulnerable people in our community are coping? 

I also witnessed some of the women, more senior in age and professional level, navigating these situations in many different ways. Things exist, but we ignore most more than we speak out because sometimes, without a good protection mechanism, it can create more harm than good.

Anyway, these are not the kind of situations I can solve alone, and I am hoping they will raise their voices to international professional networks and fair donor organizations who are willing to intervene. If someone has enough courage to speak up publicly and name a few individuals, things can change, but that will be very high risk for her and would require a good protection mechanism.

This morning, I am also thinking about meditation practices and how they can change our brain and body. Many people practice meditation these days and there are many methods, but what I am practicing is Vipassana Meditation. It also has many versions of practicing, but at the basic level, there are only four ways of mindfulness.

One is to put awareness in the body, another is to put awareness in the mind, the third one is to put awareness in the sufferings in your body and mind, and the fourth is to put awareness in Dhamma (suffering, the nature of impermanence and nothingness) in your body and mind. I am explaining them the way I understand.

I started with the first one and practiced it for many years. Later, I switched to the second one. I tried the other two also, but I could not do them very well and came back to the second one. Therefore, currently, I am working on my mind for a few years now. However, I did not sit in one position for a long time daily for many months until the last 64 days.

There are many benefits of meditation and one thing I am experiencing is that I can detach from the problems I care about or my own suffering a lot easier. In the past, I think, I cared too much and more than necessary. I put myself at risk and also made unnecessary sacrifices from time to time. Now, I am more realistic and consider what I can truly accomplish without taking risks or making unnecessary sacrifices.

These are some of my thoughts this morning.

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Being in the Flow!

In the past two days, I have been working on two PowerPoint presentations that I am scheduled to present near the end of this month. I worked from around 6:30 am until the end of the day, and I didn’t notice how quickly time passed. Then, I realized I was in the flow state again. This is an advantage of being an HSP.

We can enter the flow state of mind more easily than others. I am still learning how mitigate my weaknesses and utilize my strengths better. I don’t have an external role model, but there are some materials I can consult these days. Also, I have at least one friend who I suspect is in the same situation. I think I have not fully accepted who I am yet, and therefore, I haven’t done everything I should do.

Regularly meditating for one hour per day seems like a requirement for me to function optimally rather than an option. It’s been 63 days now, and I can feel the changes in both my body and mind. My mind is very clear and can absorb information well again. I was hungry for information and couldn’t stop reading and learning. I needed to stop myself from overdoing it as it should be a regular optimal practice, and I was worried about burning myself out.

Since I am peaceful inside, I can tolerate things better. Spreading loving-kindness has become a lot easier. Even though I am not much jealous of successful people, I realize I am jealous of a certain type of people. They are people who have very high self-control, a stable and peaceful mind, and those who have already gained a certain level of enlightenment.

Once, in a meditation center, I saw a woman with a very peaceful face. I felt I envied her so much. I still have laziness and cannot do more than my current practices for the time being. I feel I still want to do a few things in this life.

Do these things really matter? Will I regret later for wasting my time on these matters? These are the questions I am asking myself, but I found I still want to try. Part of me is fed up with some aspects of life, but part of me is still addicted to some aspects of life. Maybe this is just a normal human experience at this age.

These are some of my thoughts this morning.

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Weather, Language and Reminder!

The weather is very hot, and I forgot that my body is sensitive. I tried to figure out what was wrong with me for quite a while until I remembered the weather. I’m tired and tense, and I will need to adjust my activities a bit. At least, I’m aware of it now and I can prevent myself from getting sick beforehand.

I still cannot hold basic conversations in Thai, but I know how to talk about the weather a little bit. In greetings these days, I can say “Ron” or “Ron Mark,” which mean “hot” or “very hot.” During cold weather, I can say “Naung,” which means “cold.”

I try to listen to other people’s conversations whenever I go out, but I can only grasp a word or two, not the whole sentence yet. I am trying to read words on signs like a kindergarten student and trying to familiarize myself with their modern fonts. It will take time because there is no urgent need, and I also do not want to prioritize my learning. Now, my classes are finished, and I can do self-study at my own pace. 

I am reconnecting with a few old friends, and I have been talking and chatting online from time to time these days. I noticed it is affecting my mental health in a positive way, and I feel a bit happier.

If I feel a bit lost, I remember to go back and check the “Top Five Regrets of the Dying,” and it has become the current roadmap for me. I have already accepted that it is not possible to get everything I want, and I am also not really sure I would be happy if I got all the things I want.

Therefore, I am doing what I need to do most of the day, but I am keeping my expectations low and developing rituals that will help me ground myself in any situation. I still feel ashamed of needing and wanting something for myself and thinking about my own survival, but I am accepting that these things are a necessary part of being human.

Recently, I have taken an interest in the P. Diddy case and have been checking it from time to time. He was not only abusing young girls and women but also young boys and men. I was interested in R. Kelly’s case before and was very glad he was sentenced and is now in prison.

With the P. Diddy case, the shocking information was that parents were involved in abusing their young children. That’s what I have been thinking about for many years. We can never know what our parents in our next lives will do to us. Nevertheless, I am still not doing enough to break free from the cycles of suffering.

In the end, nothing will really matter, but I am still holding on to many things. Well, I am human, I should forgive and accept the current me, and I just need to remember to do a little more. 

These are a few thoughts this morning.

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Hypocrisy and Equality!

Today is a holiday, and I decided to rest completely. I haven’t had a full rest for quite a while, and I feel both mentally and physically tired. Developing a new habit feels like battling my own inner demon, and therefore, I think it may be a factor. However, once the habit is formed, I may not need to worry about it anymore, so I am trying to be persistent.

Yesterday, I found a report about women journalists that brought tears to my eyes. The researchers did a good job of evoking my emotions. In addition to that, I understand what it’s like, and that’s something I’ve suspected all along. “We will take advantage of you because we can,” is the mentality of many people, and that’s why human rights and women’s rights were established.

In a chaotic situation, I feel I can’t trust anyone. I’ve seen a lot of hypocritical behavior before. I may even know some of these people personally. Sometimes, I feel so fed up with all these things that I don’t want to say or write anything anymore. Nevertheless, my heart is still with the cause. If I can do nothing else, I will spread the word.

Last month, I met two non-profit workers from the Philippines who work for an organization I know quite well. They came to Thailand to help with fundraising for their organization in Thailand. They approached me to ask for a donation. Instead, they had to listen to my spontaneous 15-minute lecture insisting that their organization help the migrants from Myanmar in Thailand. It was spontaneous because it’s always on my mind.

Women’s issues are like that. They are a cause that’s always inside me, even if I try to forget. When I was working for gender equality, I felt guilty that I wasn’t working on public health issues. When I’m working on public health issues, I believe I can care about both gender equality and public health. 

To me, gender-based violence is a public health issue, and its root cause, gender inequality, is also a public health issue. If I want to continue working in these areas, I need to be strong and healthy, both mentally and physically. 

When you work for gender equality, personal attacks and threats are very common. I’ve learned that people in power always enjoy their power, even if it’s just low-level social power, and they believe their dignity and reputation are more important than the people they’ve treated unfairly or taken advantage of. Therefore, we need to be very strong to work on these causes. 

These are some of my thoughts this early morning.

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Essential Boundaries!

I fell asleep around 5:30pm and woke up around 9:30pm, unable to fall back asleep. After trying for a while, I felt like getting up to learn or read something. 

I found that LinkedIn is the type of social media I need, as I saw some eye-opening posts that either helped me or validated my thoughts. One social media platform I dislike is full of backward thinking, but here, I can see more forward thinking. However, it is made up of people and therefore, it is not all good or bad for sure.

Here are words from a post I found on LinkedIn: 

“'We are like a family.' Hear this, it’s time to walk out. It normally means they will violate your boundaries and won’t care about your feelings or efforts.” ~ Rob Dance. 

That’s what I had been thinking about for a few years.

I had to quit my job which said, “we are like a family,” and I also needed to move from the neighborhood which said, “we are like a family.” They invaded my boundaries, and gossip, bullying, and ostracizing were very common there. I was thinking that maybe that’s what they mean by “family.”

When I had gone through these situations, my brother said to me, “you are in the wrong place.” Sometimes, we can be in the wrong place and/or at the wrong time. Sometimes, we can do nothing about that and just have to leave. Like a lyric from a Linkin Park song, “sometimes, goodbye is the only way.”

After going through painful situations, you relate new situations to past experiences, which may not always be true. Being overcautious with every situation is a sign of traumatic experiences. I am equipping myself with self-awareness and regular reflections to overcome these states of mentality.

Just a few memories and thoughts of the night.

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Resetting Life’s Compass!

These days, I am developing and maintaining a new habit and therefore, I am a little tired. I think using digital space more than usual also makes me feel tired. 

Yesterday, someone I do not know invited me to connect on LinkedIn. I accepted it and checked the profile. It could be a fake one as no proper information was found, so I decided to disconnect from her.

Having lived in the US for 2 years, I am fully aware of the possibility of “identity theft”, so I hibernated my LinkedIn account for a while. After 24 hours, I can return there any time I want.

I received news that one of my cousin’s daughters is getting married. When she was young, her mother told me she read one of my novels every day. I think she looked up to me at that time, but I am not sure I really lived up to her expectations. 

I may not live up to the expectations of many people in my life, but well, I am just me and I am really tired of living up to people’s expectations. These days, I am just happy if I can finish most of the daily tasks I have created for myself.

Recently, I was worrying about something and therefore, I forgot about the things I used to worry about daily. I learned that the mind cannot handle all worries at once and therefore, it will give space for bigger issues. My small problems seem to disappear with a relatively bigger problem. If I have no problem, my mind will create something to worry about anyway. That’s why “third world problems” and “first world problems” my brother used to refer to exist.

My mind is occupied with the tasks I have created for myself most of the time and therefore, my worrying time is relatively less these days. I have a “white bear” for the time being and I am giving it space during dedicated times. I will think about it on the weekends or during my lunch breaks or in the evening. Now I know how to deal with “white bears” a little better.

I found a post which said “life starts at 50” and I was thinking, it is good information for me. Previously, people said “life starts at 40” and later I read “40 is the new 25” or something like that. Maybe these days, 50 is the new 35. 

After seeing that post, I am asking myself when did my life start? I had to restart my life again and again throughout my life and therefore, I think I can still restart from today.

The most recent profound change happened to me after my mother passed away. It was just 4 months ago. I care less about things I used to care too much about, I have less fear, less guilt, and I am starting to dream about the things I tried to forget. Maybe my life is restarting again. 

I need to rely on myself and therefore, I need to be strong and healthy at least. In the past, there were times I was strong for others. This time, I have to be strong for myself. 

Just a few thoughts came into my mind this morning.

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Reflection on Good Old Days!

These days, I am trying to update my profile on LinkedIn and also attempting to complete a comprehensive curriculum vitae (CV) for future reference. My CV is already quite lengthy with my 13 jobs, so I’ve omitted volunteer positions and a few details from the descriptions. Now, I am trying to reintegrate all the details and recall the things I have done in the past.

I am remembering some of the things I can refer to as “achievements” that I never included in my CV or discussed. One of the reasons is that I cannot prove these, but I know the results were due to my efforts. Nevertheless, recalling these things makes me feel good about myself.

There was a quote I read while I was studying for my master’s degree, but I cannot find it now. It said something like “those trying times will be good old days later,” reminding us to cherish the moment. Yes, it was very painful to go through the study period with exams, papers, deadlines, daily readings, and classroom discussions. However, now, I truly miss those days, and all I have are good memories.

The same goes for my past jobs; I remember them as good old days now. There were painful moments, but the good times outweighed them. I only regret the times I failed to try or failed to be patient with the situations. Like a fish that cannot see the water, sometimes, I could not see the real situation I was in.

Recently, I mentioned “hidden biases” to a friend, and she agreed with my words and responded with the term “microaggression.” This word is entirely new to me, so I looked it up and thanked her. With her sociology background, that word is very common to her but not for me.

"Psychologist Derald Wing Sue defines microaggressions as “brief, everyday exchanges that send denigrating messages to certain individuals because of their group membership.” The persons making the comments may be otherwise well-intentioned and unaware of the potential impact of their words." This is a direct quote from Wikipedia.

Yes, I believe, what I faced from time to time were microaggressions, but I did not know the term until then. I think it is because I am a woman, or I tried to give space to other people and let them win and be happy most of the time, which made people think I was a doormat. Or perhaps it’s due to my minority personality type and my likes and dislikes being different from the majority. Maybe it’s due to my “too honest” mouth. Maybe it’s all of them.

I noticed I cannot lie since my childhood. One time, I remember, I tried to lie to my mother about something I cannot recall now. Within 24 hours, I told her the truth. I think I was around 10 at that time.

There was a time I needed to lie about something, and I needed to take time to mentally prepare for that. It was an essential situation, and almost everyone was doing that at the time, but I felt very uncomfortable, and it took over a month for me to recover from the emotional turmoil.

After practicing regular meditations for a period of time, I decided not to kill even insects and not to tell even a white lie. It was hard at the beginning, but later, I got used to it.

Just some of the memories of the past came into my mind this morning.

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Embracing the Mess!

I’ve realized that I’m not happy unless I’m writing and posting publicly. It’s strange, but I think that’s the main reason I became a writer. I felt my voice was never heard and always ignored in my childhood, and writing allowed my voice to be heard and paid attention to by some people.

I despise gossip because I had experiences of being discussed in unkind ways in my early years by people who meant the world to me. As a human being, I’ve noticed that I’m not totally free from that behavior. However, with awareness, I didn’t take pleasure in gossiping and once I noticed myself doing it, I stopped.

Recently, I had some worries and one of my friends advised me, “Don’t say anything about that.” However, I found that I couldn’t help it. I was checking myself and thought that might be the main reason I’ve spent most of my life writing. I may risk everything just to express myself.

There are many things beyond my control, and I’m thinking that it doesn’t matter anymore. This morning, I browsed my new social media, LinkedIn, and found a talk hosted by Adam Grant in which he spoke to Anne Lamotte. It was a bit long, but I decided to finish it until the end because I admire both of them.

One thing I remembered from that talk is, “The process of making a mess is part of the creative process.” Those aren’t the exact words, though. As a human being, I’ve thought my life is a mess from time to time, and also, my blog is a mess from time to time. I can revise my blog, but I can’t revise my life. I need to accept the messiness of myself and understand that I’m not always the person I want to be.

These days, my mind is a lot clearer, and I’m in active learning mode again. I found the courses I wanted to learn, but I couldn’t concentrate on one subject area. I need to slow down and finish one course at a time again. Online learning platforms are giving me the chance to learn without any additional cost or troubles.

Yesterday, I was pretty sad because I was worrying about things beyond my control. This morning, I decided to stop worrying about them and focus on the things I can do right now, living in gratitude again.

These are a few of my thoughts this morning.

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Memory of Deep End!

Today, while I was in the pool, I was remembering the days I went into a deep pool for the first time. I was very scared but part of me still wanted to try. I knew I couldn’t always be in the shallow pool and I needed to face my own fears. Yes, I equipped myself with swimming skills first, taking 3 lessons with a private teacher and learning from YouTube videos for a while before going into that pool. I had been in deep water more than once while I was attending swimming classes, but I was there with my teacher around me. 

On that day, I was on my own. I needed to strategize by using the lane next to the margin of the pool and therefore, if I could no longer continue to swim, I could hold onto the bar attached to it. I was very scared but I tried it anyway.

In the early days, I needed to rest one to three times before reaching the other side. There were a few swimmers who ridiculed me for resting frequently and being scared. I was just concentrating on training myself and doing my routines in the water. 

After 6 months, I could see the amazement of these people through their faces and eyes while I was swimming. I no longer needed to rest anymore, and my strokes had markedly improved. Now, 2 years from the first day I went into that deep pool, I can cross the longer pool without resting and am very confident in my strokes. I can’t find the fears I had in those early days. I think I should remember and keep that experience and use it in other areas of my life.

“Do it scared” is the title of a book and I think just remembering that encouragement is very helpful. I also needed to face my intense fear when I started to learn inline skating. I couldn’t even stand because I was too scared, and my teacher helped me to face that. 

He was a professional skater but was taking a break due to an injury and focusing on teaching at that time. He was 60 years old but looked like he was 40 years old and was very kind and patient. I had only 3 sessions with him, but I believe I got the basics. 

For skating, I stopped learning and practicing and therefore, I couldn’t overcome my fears like I did with swimming. I was still scared, but less intensely the last time I tried it. I am still thinking about trying again but I am worried about injury and therefore, am postponing my decision. I am addicted to the feeling mixed with fear and thrill. 

I am just recording my feelings of the day.

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Midnight Thought!

Today, I decided to go and work outside. It was very productive, at least twice as productive as working in my room. However, it was a bit costly as the food court was too overcrowded to sit down and work, and I had to move to a quiet restaurant. I felt my mind was clearer, and I do not understand why things change like that.

Since I started using LinkedIn, I have begun to see the profiles of people with whom I lost contact. I saw one person, who did not get along well with me, has obtained two more degrees and seems very happy and successful. For certain reasons, I want nothing to do with her, but I feel happy for her instead of being jealous. I know she wanted those degrees so much and really went for them, and I feel she truly deserves them.

Now, I am reconnecting with two friends who have a similar personality type to me. One recently said, ‘I am so different from other people and sometimes, I think, “Am I really sane?”’ I am also thinking that about myself and wondering why I do not feel jealous of this one. It is not the first time, as I am always happy when people close to me are better than me or are successful. Well, until they hurt me or talk down to me, of course.

In the early days of my profession, I had someone who really tried to make my life miserable. I did not like her, but I still admired her intelligence no matter how much she tried to hurt me. I heard from other people that she told others not to help me. I had to work more hours and even on weekends, but I was happy at that time. I was annoyed by her, but I still do not hate her. 

I believe in Karma and I think people get what they deserve. That may be the reason I don’t feel much jealousy towards others. I’ve always helped other people to succeed, and even if they surpass me, I can still feel happy for them.

In the past, I felt so bad if I felt someone close to me was jealous of me. I tried to accommodate them and tried to make them happy, and made myself less from time to time. Now I know these were mistakes and I have learned to ignore these feelings.

I remember, once I wrote in one of my old blogs, ‘I want to be a firefly and not a moon because I want to have my own light and not shine from someone else’s light.’ I tried to be self-sufficient and found myself struggling alone in almost hopeless situations on more than one occasion. Some people do not know how hard I had to work for the things I received. Moreover, I used to self-sabotage and destroy things I had built for many years, and well, the result today is visible.

These days, I am trying not to destroy the things I am rebuilding. Since I believe I have healed, I don't think I will do these things again. However, I accept that I will only get what I truly deserve, and a lot of time has already passed. If things are not coming my way, I am learning not to blame anyone. I will try again, or I will find another way.

I drank a cup of coffee in the midday, and I believe that’s the reason I could not sleep until now. As a result, I am writing and recording my thoughts here.

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Fruitful Error!

Yesterday was New Year’s Day in our country, but in Thailand, as I have read, New Year’s Day was on the 13th of April. I was very happy to experience their Songkran period without noticing anything special. I learned that they cannot splash water everywhere, only in designated areas.

Yesterday, I decided to go out and eat my favorite noodle soup and did a bit of grocery shopping just to use my store coupons that were expiring that day. I had already received a large glass drinking cup as a New Year’s present from that store. I regularly received small cups due to the ginger tea packages I frequently bought, and I always gave these cups to the Myanmar women who worked at my favorite noodle soup house. However, I liked this large cup and decided to keep and use it.

I was unfamiliar with the LinkedIn platform and decided to test it out yesterday. I opened an account, clicked on a job position, and later realized I had clicked on the wrong title. I tried to change it but couldn’t, so after trying for a while, I decided to close that account. 

However, the account didn’t disappear instantly, and the glaring mistake was still publicly visible. I checked by signing in again, and they said it was already closed but it would take a few weeks for my public information to disappear. Then, I decided I had no choice but to open another account with my correct information.

I was busy with that new account almost the whole day. I didn’t really have any intention to put my entire profile online, but now I felt I had no choice. My Coursera courses said I could post their certificates on LinkedIn, but I had never tried before, so I also decided to test it. 

I didn’t realize I had 26 certificates from there. I still have two finished courses, but I didn’t apply for financial aid or pay, so I didn’t receive any certificates. There are also finished audited courses for which I can’t get certificates and can’t do assignments.

I also didn’t realize I had 13 jobs in total in my professional experience and I had 7 noteworthy volunteer jobs and internships. I volunteered a lot throughout my life, both online and offline, and there were still things I didn’t add there. 

I truly like the skills section of LinkedIn as I had never thought about what kind of skills I had developed or used in the past. Their easy-to-use skills features helped me to add my skills and I found I had developed and used 30 skills. It was very helpful to reflect back on myself and the work I have done.

I’m not sure whether I will keep my profile there for the long term or not yet, but until my other profile with incorrect information disappears, I decided to keep it there. 

When you’ve lived in this life for over 50 years, you do make a lot of mistakes and also face a lot of failures. If you did something wrong and you can’t correct it, trying to do something right can be a solution. Keeping on doing something is a solution for me. Sometimes, I might need to take a short break. I might allow myself to feel down for a few hours or even a few days, but I know that I need to take action within my locus of control sooner rather than later.

This time, as a result, I got a new, complete LinkedIn profile on our New Year’s Day. 

Just keeping some memories of the day.

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People Watcher!

My brother likes watching birds and therefore, the first thing I remembered when I saw a group of large birds was him. I wish he was there with me to witness these.

I think I like watching people more than birds. There were times when I was sitting in public parks or places and did nothing but watch people passing by. This year, I have read that this is the nature of people in my personality type. Instead of being a bird watcher, we are people watchers. Probably, that’s the reason, as karma, some people also want to watch me even though I did not focus on one particular person.

I remember a friend from when I was in the 10th standard (equivalent to 10th grade). She was in my class and sometimes, during break times, she would come and sit in front of me and just look at me and humorously said, “guys will look at you when you attend university anyway and I am preparing you for that.” She was not a close friend and I do not know where she is now. However, I still remember her face and part of her name, she was short, with fair skin, had short hair and glasses, and was always smiling.

I was sensitive and shy, and I know some people loved me for that. I only let a few people close to me but because I always have close friends who knew a lot of people and therefore, their circles knew me well. Sometimes, these friends of friends also helped me and I am grateful for that.

When I started to become less shy and decided to speak my mind, there were a lot of problems as I overcompensated for my years of silence. One of my friends was so stressed out because I would say whatever I wanted to say to his friends around that time. It took a while to find balance.

These memories make me smile. I was not always good and not always bad. I am a different but similar human being, and I am trying to remember accurately about myself. Well, as a human, I am sure to have my own biases and blind spots for sure.

Just a few thoughts that came into my mind this morning.

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Choosing to Understand!

Yesterday, I was helping someone during the day, and in the evening, I received the same help from someone else. I thought to myself, “This time, Karma is super quick.”

Yes, as a Buddhist, I believe in Karma. It is sometimes slow, or may even take lifetimes, but from time to time, I have witnessed it being very quick.

Once, someone was mean to me, and within hours, I witnessed someone else being mean to her. “Even if you do not see the results, please wholeheartedly believe in that,” I reminded myself to continue doing good things and being kind to other people.

I did not act with the expectation of getting something in return, but sometimes, I felt hurt by unexpected responses. Therefore, these days, I try not to help or be too kind to others too much. Even when I help, I do so in a somewhat detached way. Perhaps, this is the right way.

Yesterday morning, I saw many beautiful clouds in the sky, and it felt like seeing paintings in the sky. Once, I saw a group of large birds in the sky, which I had never seen before. I did not take a picture of them and instead just watched. They were similar to eagles or hawks, and I looked up and tried to find out what they were.

Birds of similar size flying in groups are very rare. They are brown and a little smaller than eagles. The suggestion I found is that they might be Broad-winged Hawks, which do exist in Thailand. They fly together during migration and form large groups known as “kettles”. I have not seen those kinds of birds in the sky since then, and I regret not taking any pictures of them.

I also remembered the guys who tried to date me without letting me know. I was so naive throughout. Once, it was a high-level consultant from abroad and I was in his training. We had an argument during training and he said he would like to talk to me about that, and well, I agreed, and he invited me to dinner. I only found out that it had nothing to do with that argument and he was trying to date me, and I ended up being very rude to him.

I reflected and found similar things happened at least four times before and after that situation. I am thinking, why couldn’t they be honest with me if they wanted to date me? Probably, they might have been afraid I would say no instantly, or maybe that’s how human relationships usually work. 

Yes, I liked none of them enough to date, and I am sure to say no instantly, but that would save a lot of pain for both sides. I need to like someone to date them, and I need a lot of promises in advance because I feel so insecure about starting a new relationship. However, it doesn’t matter anymore now as I am so happy to be alone.

Yesterday evening, on my way back home from grocery shopping, I found a spot where I could stand and lean on the train. It was between two young men, but I thought it doesn’t matter, I am old now, and went in. One of them was holding a stanchion tightly, and it was affecting me as the stanchion was in front of me. 

No one except him in our place was holding onto anything because we did not really need to. I was very annoyed at first, but later, I thought, maybe he was insecure about something, and therefore, he might need to do that. I felt better after the young man on the other side got off the train, and I could move to that side.

I have tried to understand people from their perspectives and needs most of my life, and once, someone found out and asked me, “Why are you doing that?” and said, “I would never do things like that.” I have tried to understand even the people who have hurt me badly until today. Everyone has their own internal issues, and well, being human is not a smooth ride.

Even if I detach from someone totally, I want to do so in a kind way. I never want to do anything with them again, but I want to part in a quiet and silent way as much as possible.

These days, I have decided not to hold onto the feeling of being hurt anymore. I want to let go of all these feelings and make myself freer in every aspect of my life.  Also, I noticed am very grateful when I receive any form of kindness as I get older, and I am trying to become a kinder person to others. 

These are some of my thoughts this morning.

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Hot Flashes, and Healing!

Today, I woke up around 4:41 am and I had slept continuously throughout the night. I felt amazed and happy. I felt my tiredness was gone and therefore, I felt light and fresh. I was able to pass through the 8th day phenomenon of meditation this time and today is the 10th continuous day for the first time. My blood pressure is also going down to the normal range. 

In the midday, I cleaned my bathroom mirror. I saw my face was pink, as if I had put colors on my face. I knew why because it wasn’t the first time. It was just hot flashes, one of the perimenopausal symptoms, and I was humorously thinking, “this is the beauty of perimenopause.” My face can be red or pink without shyness, anger, or rouge, and it looks good sometimes. It looks bad sometimes, especially when I am tired. 

I watched the “Suits” series for a while and I like the character of Harvey Specter, like most people. As usual, when I start to get addicted to a series, I watch the last episodes and end my viewing, and therefore, I do not know the whole series. 

One of the scenes I still remember is when his assistants, Mike Ross and Donna Paulsen, were searching for something inside a room and someone came in. They acted like they were having an affair there, so other people wouldn’t notice what they were actually doing. How can you be faithful to your boss by risking your own reputation? This is how Harvey can do that to them. Well, it is just a movie series and not real life. 

However, I am thinking that co-dependent people can also be truly faithful to someone in real life. It is a kind of speaking from personal experiences. I don’t want to think or write about these things anymore as the past should be the past, and I decided to enjoy my beautiful evening instead.

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Untold Struggle!

Today is a lazy day. I think I should have at least one lazy day per week to recharge myself. However, I studied Thai a bit in the morning and attended my online Thai class. I still cannot speak much, but I can start to say or ask important things like “have you already arrived?” to the delivery persons, “where is the toilet?” in the shopping mall, and “I want to change coins” in Seven Eleven. So, not so bad.

I tried to sleep after the Thai class and was in bed until around 12 pm. I got up and decided to swim during midday. There was a young man sitting beside the pool reading. I had no choice but to put my things on the chair next to his and went into the water. I did not need to rest much anymore, and my swimming finished quickly.

I came up and studied Thai a little and lazily watched a few YouTube videos and rested. I still felt tired though I believed my fatigue has gone. I was thinking seriously about hormonal replacement therapy today and therefore, I searched and read about that. One of the books I have read said its benefits outweigh side effects and therefore, I was starting to think. However, I found it is recommended to women after one year of menopause and onwards and I think I am not eligible yet.

I am in the confusing stage of whether I am still in perimenopause or early menopause and definitely not one year yet. I remembered my past experiences with hormone therapy were not really good. When my period started around 13, it was irregular, and duration was very long. It was over 7 days. Therefore, after a few years, my mom took me to an obstetrics and gynecology specialist and she gave me medicines to take daily. Since I had to take it daily and regularly, I put it in my wallet and took them wherever I went.

Then, my cousin and her friend found that medicine and they were totally shocked. Only after that, I knew these were also used as contraceptives. I don’t remember my exact age, but I am sure I was less than 16 and I knew nothing about these things. Later, I decided to stop taking that.

When I was married, I needed to take them again, but I found they affected me in many different ways. So, I hated them. In later years, I stopped using them. I am thinking hormonal replacement therapy can be similar to that and maybe it can make me feel worse than better.

I am worrying about my bone health as well as the way I cannot sleep well. I did everything I can within my knowledge to reduce these symptoms and it worked up to a certain extent but still a few are beyond my control. I had faced premenstrual syndrome throughout my life, and therefore, I already knew my menopause will be pretty tough.

Many people treated it like something funny or as a joke. I have witnessed some women do not suffer anything about that and they were very proud of that and talked down to people who suffered from that. Actually, it is a part of life and it is like other diseases and illnesses. If it happened in men, people would not take it that lightly for sure. Anyway, most things are like a song title “til it happens to you.”

Compared to previous months, I know I have a lot of energy and mental clarity and I should focus on improvements and not the residual bad things. I am turning my inner mirror to brighter sides and will continue to let my lazy mode on until tomorrow.

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Road to Resilience!

With a higher level of energy and improving health, I initially thought I was not productive. However, I found that my activities and work hours this month exceeded those of other months. Sometimes, without a record, I can’t know anything for sure because the comparison is not with actual things but with perceptions from the energy level and mental acuity I have.

This month is not perfect, but it’s the best month in my life since my first COVID infection. This morning, I found an interesting TEDx talk. I listened to it three times to really understand the three tips the speaker provided for resilience. They are:

1. Why not me?
2. Choose carefully where we direct our attention.
3. Is what I’m doing helping or harming me?

Grief, pain, and suffering are universal, and bad things are not only happening to us. Therefore, instead of thinking about “why me”, we should accept the situation and think “why not me”. Another point is to focus on the brighter sides of life such as gratitude and the good things that are still with us. Sometimes, we dwell in our own sorrows and cannot see the real good things left in our lives, and therefore, miss them too. The last question is a simple one to ask for everything we choose to do.

After listening to it three times, I remembered The Top Five Regrets of the Dying and revisited the findings. They are:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish I had let myself be happier.

I think I have been contemplating these since I first read an article that mentioned them. It helped me to be truer to myself and have the courage to express my feelings more. Now I think I should let myself be happier.

I know I derive happiness in a slightly different way than most people. I should fully accept that part of me and need to be comfortable in my own skin. 

These are my thoughts this evening.

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Untold Stories of Women in My Life!

 Yesterday, I wrote about my aunt and found myself reflecting on her life. I believe my life is significantly better than the women I loved: her, my grandmother, and my mother, at least in terms of choices. I am uncertain about other aspects.

As a story retold, I learned about her during my childhood. A Mon armed group would repeatedly invade their village. Since my great-grandfather was the head of the village, the family was often targeted.

Once, when my grandmother was pregnant, they wanted to take her hostage. The villagers would then need to gather money to secure her release. My aunt, who was just a teenager at the time, bravely stood up and said, “I will go, don’t take my mother.” So, they took her instead. I am unaware of what happened to her afterwards.

She was an excellent and intelligent student in her school, but upon her return, she could no longer keep up with her schoolwork. I think she failed her high school exam, but I am not certain as it was a secondhand story and she never shared anything about herself with me.

I felt profound sorrow for her when I heard this story. A young girl taken hostage by an armed group and forced to run with them during clashes in the forest. I can’t even begin to imagine that scenario.

At the very least, I believe she had a good family. Her husband was a quiet and decent man, and I believe he loved and remained faithful to her until the end of his life. He passed away just a few years ago. Her children are also good people. Unfortunately, she did not get the chance to see her lovely granddaughters as they were born only years after she passed away.

My grandmother married very young, I believe, when she was 16. She was from northern Shan State. Her father was a son of a Shan royal family and he chose to marry an ordinary woman, which necessitated his departure from their family. She once told me about her father, who had never done hard labor in his life with his royal family. When he got married, he had to work in the field and she witnessed his soft hands bleeding. (Actually, she was telling to her friend and I was just sitting beside her.)

At that time, her aunt wanted her to marry a western foreigner working there. She did not want to marry a foreigner, so she found a boyfriend and eloped with him to his village in Mon State, only to discover later that he was half Indian.

She endured a lot of political unrest in our country. She lived through the Japanese era and periods of armed conflict. She was mentally strong; she bore the responsibilities and pains of the family, even the irrational ones. She took care of me in my early childhood and some other grandchildren. I think she was an amazing woman, and she gave her best to others despite her limited education and choices in life.

I miss them and I am grateful for their presence in my life. I hope they are all in better places and at peace now.

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