Honest Reflections!

This morning, I woke up remembering someone once said, "You broke my heart."

That made me smile.

I was chatting with him online at the time. He was one of the few male friends I had during my teenage years.

We lost contact for a long time, but reconnected when I was studying abroad.

We started chatting occasionally, and I think he was drunk that night.

He was juggling three girlfriends at the time, and the whole situation just made me smile.

How could I have known if he hadn't told me?

I never even suspected he liked me that way.

Later, I heard he married one of the three girlfriends and actually settled down.

I know I made a few people cry by marrying too young.

I even heard that a friend of my mother's said she had been thinking of me as a future daughter-in-law but felt it was too early, so she hadn’t mentioned it yet.

A boy or man being interested in me never felt that significant, but the idea of someone wanting me as a daughter-in-law somehow did, so I remembered it.

Later in life, I met two separate strangers who approached me, saying they had a son and showed interest in me as a future daughter-in-law.

I was flattered but couldn’t take it seriously.

By then, I was already divorced, and I knew they were only interested because they didn’t really know anything about me.

I also remembered that in my life, I was the one who said 'I love you' first to two men, and I still deeply regret it. 

They showed all the signs but never said anything, and I was too curious to find out if they really cared about me.

I eventually realized that men, having more social power and options, will say it if they really want to.

If they don't, it's because they aren't ready or simply don’t want to, and that's it.

I'm generalizing based on my experience, but I believe there’s a lot of truth in it.

Both responded to my "I love you," but with the first, it didn’t feel right, and I ended up avoiding him afterward. Things didn’t work out.

With the second, I had a long-distance relationship, but that was also a big mistake.

At least, I tried.

With my low self-esteem, I didn’t dare to be interested in decent, handsome, and successful men. I always went for someone I felt something was wrong with, thinking I needed to help him.

After that, I promised myself I would never say "I love you" first again, and I would avoid anyone I felt something was off about.

Even though I sometimes want to be in a good relationship, I worry about getting trapped in a bad one, so I enjoy my single life, where I feel in control.

These are just some thoughts and memories that came to me this morning.

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