Clarity!

Today, I browsed some videos before getting up from bed and found the song "Bang Bang." I thought, if I had a daughter, I might have a heart attack if she sang that song. I also remembered that I'm actually at an age where I could be a grandmother now—one of my nieces got married this year, and I could become a grandma at any moment.

I recalled all the love songs I sang throughout my teenage years and how much my parents had to put up with me. When that niece recently got married was hospitalized, I was there with her, and we sang "Señorita" by Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello together. She’s just like me, always singing all sorts of songs. The memory of that moment made me smile.

Then, I remembered the poem "B" by Sarah Kay. She wrote that if she had a daughter, she would let her call her "Point B" instead of "Mom." Sarah Kay is a poet I love, so I looked up the poem and read it again. Her words still touch me:

"... but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining, your voice is small but don’t ever stop singing..."

If I had a daughter ... well, I didn't want my thoughts to go in that direction. That’s something I let go of a long time ago.

If I were to collect my experiences of letting go—of things, hopes, and people in my life—like job experience, I think I would have a very long C.V. by now. I should be used to it and should be an expert-level "letting goer" by now. 

One day, I will die and disappear completely from this world. I need to detach from everything—even my body and mind are not mine; they’re constantly changing.

I can only begin to meditate well when I start to see that thoughts and sensations are temporary, always appearing and disappearing. I should apply that awareness to other areas of my life, but I know I'm not at that level yet.

"Try harder, you don’t have time," I remind myself.

I'm just recording a few thoughts from this morning.

image generated with AI