Reprioritizing!

Yesterday, my brain stopped functioning for about an hour in the early afternoon. I couldn’t even understand a simple sentence, and I realized I needed a break. I hadn’t slept well for days, and I think stress is getting to me from time to time.

Why did I push myself so hard? I keep asking myself. I know I can be more productive if my mind is clear and stable, and if I work in breaks.

These days, everything I’m doing is for myself and not for other people, not anymore. I’m seeing things in different lights and colors, and I’ve gained more information and a new level of understanding.

I’ve asked myself what I truly want. I’m doing things for my own record and happiness, not for appreciation or recognition of any form. Some people may not understand that, and that’s their problem, not mine.

I’m reminded of the movie Honey and a line the main character said to her producer. I don’t remember the exact words, but she said something like, "When I first met you, you were that tall, but now you’re that tall," I guess—from very tall to very small in her eyes.

I also remember the person who introduced me to that movie and gave it to me as a present. He was so famous at that time, and I made him sign on the cover of that movie.

He actually thought of me like a big sister. Sometimes, he liked to talk to me, and I would always tease him, saying, "I’ll tell other people what you said," which made him feel uncomfortable. It was the side effect of being so famous, and I didn’t have much sympathy for him back then.

I gave him my last novel, and he said he liked it very much. I still remember those words and the place we talked, but I couldn’t see him as just an ordinary person at that time. I gave away all those movies with his signature to a former colleague who was crazy about him. I just wanted them to be in the hands of someone who would treasure them.

He introduced me to hip-hop dance, and he put up with me when I argued with him on topics I didn’t really know about. He had some similarities with my dear friend, and they both share the same birth month. 

I remember his birth month, but I can’t recall his exact birth date. I like some of his songs, but I wasn’t really his fan. Now, I think we could have been good friends if I had been nicer to him, but I wasn’t. I was so bad back then.

These days, I know I’m craving real friendships, not romantic relationships. My friend went back to the country where she’s working last night, and I felt a little sad.

I’ve already decided not to meet a former colleague who just arrived in the city because I have things I want to finish this month. He’s currently working with a donor organization and mentioned he’s here for a donor meeting—probably a bilateral one. He said someone I know might also be at the meeting, but I decided not to meet them this time. Reconnecting with old friends made me remember the old days.

Writing in the morning helps me center my day, so I’m trying to write almost daily again. While attending a month-long training in India, we started each training day with centering. At first, a trainer led the activity, but later we had to take turns leading it. I can’t recall what I did for centering, but those practices still help stabilize me.

I’m a deep believer in Karma, and that belief influences how I live and the decisions I make. I believe everything I’ve done, or am doing, will come back to me, which is why I keep trying my best, even in bad situations. So, all the good things I’m doing are for myself, not for others.

These are just some random thoughts I had this morning.

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