Something to Hold Onto!

This morning, I am remembering many things I don't want to write about. One of them is how I ruined what should have been one of the happiest days of my life because I couldn't say no to someone's presence. That was the day I first suspected I might have unresolved childhood trauma. My brain just stopped functioning in that moment. Anyway, that's all in the past now.

Another memory is about a friend I admired so much. I was freshly divorced when I met him. I was trying to avoid having any male friends, but he was persistent. We met online through his cousin, and I initially refused to talk to him. I didn't realize I was using the internet regularly from a place where his friends worked. One day, he came and waited for me, and that's how we met in person. After that, I accepted him as a friend.

He was from an ethnic group, with distinctive facial features, and he had an eyebrow stud that made girls stare at him. I was proud to have a friend like him, but I kept a thick boundary between us because I was scared people would assume we were more than friends. He was a vegetarian, and I think he played a part in why I became one too. I needed something to focus on, and we sometimes ate together, so I started following his diet.

I felt like a big sister to him. At that time, I was surviving with just two close friends—him and another, both much younger than me. When I went abroad to study, we still chatted online, but then he tried to start a relationship with a friend of a friend I had introduced him to. He was in a long-term relationship at the time, and I was furious, not only at him but also at myself because he had met her through me. After that, I stopped communicating with him.

I later heard he married his long-term girlfriend and became a father, but he still tried to meet my friend's friend when she visited the city where he lived. I wanted no part of that.

Nevertheless, having friends during that time made the unbearable pain more bearable, and I am grateful for that. The other friend I had back then is still in my life, and we still chat online from time to time. She was one of only three people who wished me a happy birthday this year. I always remember her birthday too, even though some years I pretended to forget and didn’t send her a message. Yes, we’ve been mad at each other sometimes.

She told me she's coming to the city where I currently live in the middle of this month, and I’m looking forward to seeing her soon. That means I have something to be excited about this month, and just thinking about it makes me happy.

Right now, I have three women friends I chat with regularly, plus my brother and sister, so there are at least five people in my life who know me well. My social circle isn't shrinking—it's even expanding compared to the past few decades.

These are just a few of the memories and thoughts that came to mind this morning.

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