Essential Anger!

There was someone in my life whose every word I cared about deeply, and I was thoroughly intimidated by him. I wasn’t the only one in the extended family who suffered from his powerful presence. However, there were moments when he didn’t dare to say or do anything to me.

These were the times I experienced premenstrual syndrome, and during that period, I would become very angry and no longer care about him or any other intimidating person in the world. Later in life, I learned that I needed to be angry to stand up for myself.

It was always easy for me to stand up for the people I truly cared about, but standing up for myself was much more difficult. I care so much about not hurting others that I often walk on eggshells, silently suffering.

I cannot pretend to be nice or to like other people. If I really want to be kind, I have to genuinely change my emotions and way of thinking. I worked with marginalized populations and learned to truly love them—otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to help them.

On the other hand, if I hate something or someone, or if I lose trust, it shows. As an adult, I know I need to learn how to pretend, and I’ve tried, but I still can’t. When I’m truly angry, I’m willing to lose or risk everything to fight back. 

You can’t threaten to kill someone who wants to die, nor can you threaten to take away things from someone who has nothing left to lose.

I remember a quote I read frequently decades ago:

"You only have power over people as long as you don't take everything away from them. But when you've robbed a man of everything, he's no longer in your power—he's free again."

― Alexander Solzhenitsyn

I am also remembering my professor and academic advisor, who taught us about the unfairness of the system. In class, he said, "My job is to make you all angry as much as possible." Yes, people need to be angry enough to change the system. 

These are my thoughts this early morning.

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