The Ongoing Journey!

Tonight, I could only sleep for 3 hours before waking up, feeling too refreshed to fall back asleep. I’m excited about a few things that are happening in the coming days. I realize that I haven’t felt this way in such a long time.

When my blood pressure spiked in past few days, I thought I might be overwhelmed with emotions, and I tried to cry, thinking it would help release the pressure. However, I found myself unable to cry, which is a new experience for me.

I’m someone who can easily be moved to tears by many things, so this felt completely strange. I watched a YouTube video where Eminem teared up when he saw his daughter in her wedding dress, and even that would typically bring me to tears.

Now, I’m surprised by the absence of my usual emotions and these inner changes. I’m not sure how long this phase will last, but it’s what I’m experiencing at the moment.

My emotional dependency on others has also decreased significantly. I find myself caring less about the opinions of people I once cared deeply about. I can clearly see that they don’t fully understand my situation when they offer their opinions. Because I don’t feel hurt, I don’t resent them, and I’m able to respond more calmly.

A few weeks ago, I came across an article discussing the adverse effects of meditation. I think it aligns with what the Buddha taught us, and perhaps researchers should consider studying Buddhism when researching meditation and mindfulness.

Yes, the mind goes through stages of change during meditation, although this varies for everyone. I’ve meditated for years to overcome these stages one by one, and now I’m feeling the benefits of meditation.

However, it wasn’t a straightforward journey, and it took many years. If I hadn’t recognized the psychological trauma that surfaced around 2018, and if I had just continued meditating without seeking therapy, I might have ended up completely crazy. But now, I no longer feel the need to worry about these issues, as I’ve overcome many of the stages.

I currently have 220 consecutive days of meditation practice, one hour per day. I missed one day, but I made up for it by meditating twice the next day, so I still count it as continuous. That means I’ve accumulated 220 hours of meditation.

I’ve read that this can change the brain’s structure, such as increasing the grey matter in the brain. However, everything has side effects, and it’s important to be aware of that.

People often want to believe that one practice can fix everything, but it’s not that simple. Along the way, I had to read extensively and listen to Dharma talks on Vipassana meditation by Mogoke Sayardaw, which helped me understand the inner changes. Even today, I can’t say I’m doing everything perfectly. I can only say that I now feel the benefits of meditation, which I didn’t experience in my early days of practice.

I started meditating around the age of 10, just wanting to improve my memory, practicing for only a few minutes at a time. At 13, I became more serious, meditating for about an hour, either sitting or walking. Around 15 and 16, I became too distracted and couldn’t meditate as well, though I kept trying. In my 30s, I attended a meditation center for 10 days on two occasions, and that’s when I began practicing more effectively.

I practiced regularly, on and off, for years until 2018, when my psychological trauma surfaced, and I had to stop and seek therapy. I resumed meditation near the end of my therapy and started practicing seriously for a few months again in 2020. Then I took a break but restarted in 2021, though not as seriously. I only began a consistent one-hour daily practice 221 days ago.

I’m still not perfect, and I don’t claim to have all the answers. But I wanted to take a moment to reflect on where I am in my mindfulness and meditation journey today.

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